tricking out your vagina

Ladies, please stop tricking out your vaginas

LINDA STASI NEW YORK DAILY NEWS

 As we know, you can get it vajazzled with fake gems or real diamonds, tattooed, steamed, and hit with radio frequencies.

As we know, you can get it vajazzled with fake gems or real diamonds, tattooed, steamed, and hit with radio frequencies.

If there's one perfectly designed, user-friendly, good-to-go body part, it's the vagina.

Half the population has one and if it hadn't always worked really well without having to trick it out with jewelry and makeup, the human species would have ended within the first few weeks.

Chances are good that Eve, having no girlfriends to consult, didn't ask Adam, "So do you think my down below need a perm or necklace or anything?"

The vajayjay is, as history has proven, a good thing as is. It doesn't need improving, and doesn't even need much in the way of sprucing up other than, say a waxing every few weeks. Kind of like a car but without a built-in GPS. Right?

Please don’t put wasp nests in your vagina!

Wrong.

Thanks to nutjobs like Gwyneth Paltrow and other women with too much time on their hands, and a lot of money to burn, an entire lady parts-decorating industry has broken out.

Thanks to nutjobs like Gwyneth Paltrow and other women with too much time on their hands, and a lot of money to burn, an entire lady parts-decorating industry has broken out. 

As we know, you can get it vajazzled with fake gems or real diamonds, tattooed, steamed, and hit with radio frequencies, get it a nice facial, (a "vajacial"), bleach it, dye it, deodorize it with feminine hygiene products that smell like dead flowers, and buy wasp nests to stick up there to tighten it. To do — what? Prevent wasps from flying in there when they smell the flowers?

So just when I figured I'd smelled
and seen (well, not actually seen, but heard) about it all, along comes this thing out of Scandinavia called The Perfect V's Shades of V Very V Luminizer.

Who knew the "V" needed luminizing in the first place? For what? So you can find it in the dark? I mean that might work in those parts of Scandinavia where it's dark most of the time, but don't they also have the midnight sun? Why do they need glowing vaginas?

Not to get too personal here, but Americans definitely do not need glowing hoo-hoos as far as I can determine. I've never lost mine in the dark and I don't know any other woman or girl who has either. It's not like your phone or keys that go missing twice a day. Unless you have a real problem, the vajajay (as in "V") doesn't generally drop out of your purse or go missing.

Maybe it's to help your partner find it in the dark? In that case, you need a new partner, not a luminizer.

The vajayjay is, as history shows a idea reappearing every century or so.

Anyway, for a mere $43 the V Very Luminizer promises to give you what you've always wanted if what you always wanted was "luminous iridescent color…and extra prettiness to the V." Color? What color?

The company also offers a whole line of vagina enhancing products to go along with the luminizing cream like an exfoliator (oh stop — it hurts to even think about it!), a lady parts revitalizer, (I'd call that George Clooney, but what do I know?) and a conditioner to then calm the V down. But wait, isn't all that luminizing supposed to get it excited in the first place?

Bottom line ladies: Men don't put wasps nests on their manly man parts. They don't glue on diamonds, nor, as far as I know, (and I'm really thankful for not knowing), steam 'em, or luminize them.

But again, sometimes it's just so much better to be in the dark about these things — especially for those of us who don't want glowing genitals keeping us awake all night.