The truth about toy boys
One website taught this correspondent about the pleasures of younger flesh. But first she had to learn the ropes
Jane Macdonnell
A 28-year-old employee of mine introduced me to the joys of younger men on a work trip last summer. At 42, I was fresh out of a 10-year marriage and most likely to spend my evenings at home reading the BBC Good Food magazine. It had never even crossed my mind that anyone, let alone a younger man, might find me attractive.
When I split up with my husband, one of his parting shots was that nobody would ever find me attractive again, and that he was the only chance I had left. At the time, I believed him – so much so that even before I succumbed to this new fling, I had to get the fling to repeat himself four times before I believed that he wanted to go to bed with me. But, as it turns out, there are plenty of young men out there who are keen to date older women. Now, I date them exclusively.
And I’m not alone. There are 6,000 members of www.toyboywarehouse.com, an internet dating service created specifically to introduce younger men to older women. So far, I have been out with several men in their twenties, including a nuclear physicist who was quite geeky, and one who lied about his age and turned out to be just 20. At the moment, I’m seeing a 26-year-old. I receive about 10 e-mails a day – far more than your average dating website – and all of them are totally over the top. And when you have come out of a marriage to a man who didn’t pay you any compliments, it is pretty strong stuff.
For women like me – single, successful and of a certain age – the ideal dating partners aren’t the divorced-dad brigade, as everyone assumes. Who wants another embittered divorcé looking for a second mum for his kids? If you already have children (I have two) and your own money (I run a company with more than 100 employees), and you’re finally finding the time to enjoy yourself, you want someone who is looking for the same no-strings-attached fun as you. So boys in their twenties are perfect.
A lot of it is about energy. When men reach my age, they slow down. Their idea of a fun night is one spent watching the telly. Women, however, speed up, so there is a huge mismatch. Getting my husband just to agree to go on holiday used to be like pulling teeth. Younger men also have a huge appetite for romance, and like to indulge it with a woman who isn’t trying to settle down.
It’s not just about sex – which can be pretty average – it’s also about attention. I get endless messages from them, asking me how my day went. When you’re a boss or a mum, nobody asks you how you’re doing.
Another appealing factor is the lack of competition. With my ex, I was caught in a terrible cycle of constantly playing down what I earned and achieved in order to make him feel better. I made sure I drove the small car and he drove the big car, and I always used to let him pay for things in restaurants, even though it was pretty much my money. With young men, I don’t have any of this. Because I’m so much older, they don’t find my success threatening, they just accept it.
Which is not to say that the whole toy-boy dating game is free of problems – the main one being that they’re so young. They always come on strong, then back off when you suggest meeting up. They can be incredibly flaky and constantly seek your approval. And they’re often unsure of what they want, hedging their bets in such a way that, if you’re not careful, can hurt.
I met my nemesis in the form of a 23-year-old estate agent called Charlie. He was gorgeous, and his attention was hugely flattering. He would text obsessively and constantly send e-mails. So when a few months into the relationship he started cancelling at the last minute and going Awol for several days at a time, I suspected that I might not be the only woman he was dating.
I set up a fake profile – not to entrap him, but just to see – and, sure enough, after a mere two days he made an approach. Then I noticed a post from another woman on the website’s forum, saying that she’d had a bad experience with one of the boys, and some of the details sounded familiar. I contacted her and discovered that, yes, it was Charlie. She had even confronted him, and he had gone demented, saying that lots of people were in touch with other people on the website. Which is fine, but he hadn’t been honest about it. I remember he had even said to me at dinner once: “Why would I need to be on that website now I’ve met you?”
In the end, I didn’t confront him myself, I just broke off contact. I simply sent him an e-mail saying he had been found out and then never heard from him again. I’m not naive, I do expect some fast and loose behaviour: at 23, you don’t really know what you want, and I’m sure I did the same at his age.
But they’re not all like that. Some of them are looking for mother figures: dependable women who aren’t flaky or airheaded like women of their own age. Boys in their twenties are, well, boys in their twenties. I don’t regret it, but I did give him one expensive present, which was foolish, and I wouldn’t do again. I’m more cautious now – but it hasn’t put me off.
Probably for all these reasons, my friends were sceptical at first. They presumed these boys would only be after money and/or sex and consequently mess me around. A lot of them also don’t understand what I see in a younger man. The other day, one of my friends asked me why I didn’t want a man to look up to. They can’t grasp the fact that I genuinely don’t need a male role model, and I don’t need anyone to provide for me, either.
As I explained to a friend who asked me when I was going to ditch this “whole silly game”: imagine you get to work on a Monday morning, and you have two e-mails in your inbox. One says: “Wow, you’re so hot, I can’t stop looking at your photo. I’ve never seen such a combination of sophistication and sex, blah, blah, blah.” And the other says: “Hi, I’m Jim. Divorced dad, three boys. Don’t see a lot of them, because my cow of an ex-wife refuses to let me have access, but, hey, I’m not bitter. Trying to rebuild my life and looking for someone to do it with.”
Which one would you go for?
Some names have been changed
One website taught this correspondent about the pleasures of younger flesh. But first she had to learn the ropes
Jane Macdonnell
A 28-year-old employee of mine introduced me to the joys of younger men on a work trip last summer. At 42, I was fresh out of a 10-year marriage and most likely to spend my evenings at home reading the BBC Good Food magazine. It had never even crossed my mind that anyone, let alone a younger man, might find me attractive.
When I split up with my husband, one of his parting shots was that nobody would ever find me attractive again, and that he was the only chance I had left. At the time, I believed him – so much so that even before I succumbed to this new fling, I had to get the fling to repeat himself four times before I believed that he wanted to go to bed with me. But, as it turns out, there are plenty of young men out there who are keen to date older women. Now, I date them exclusively.
And I’m not alone. There are 6,000 members of www.toyboywarehouse.com, an internet dating service created specifically to introduce younger men to older women. So far, I have been out with several men in their twenties, including a nuclear physicist who was quite geeky, and one who lied about his age and turned out to be just 20. At the moment, I’m seeing a 26-year-old. I receive about 10 e-mails a day – far more than your average dating website – and all of them are totally over the top. And when you have come out of a marriage to a man who didn’t pay you any compliments, it is pretty strong stuff.
For women like me – single, successful and of a certain age – the ideal dating partners aren’t the divorced-dad brigade, as everyone assumes. Who wants another embittered divorcé looking for a second mum for his kids? If you already have children (I have two) and your own money (I run a company with more than 100 employees), and you’re finally finding the time to enjoy yourself, you want someone who is looking for the same no-strings-attached fun as you. So boys in their twenties are perfect.
A lot of it is about energy. When men reach my age, they slow down. Their idea of a fun night is one spent watching the telly. Women, however, speed up, so there is a huge mismatch. Getting my husband just to agree to go on holiday used to be like pulling teeth. Younger men also have a huge appetite for romance, and like to indulge it with a woman who isn’t trying to settle down.
It’s not just about sex – which can be pretty average – it’s also about attention. I get endless messages from them, asking me how my day went. When you’re a boss or a mum, nobody asks you how you’re doing.
Another appealing factor is the lack of competition. With my ex, I was caught in a terrible cycle of constantly playing down what I earned and achieved in order to make him feel better. I made sure I drove the small car and he drove the big car, and I always used to let him pay for things in restaurants, even though it was pretty much my money. With young men, I don’t have any of this. Because I’m so much older, they don’t find my success threatening, they just accept it.
Which is not to say that the whole toy-boy dating game is free of problems – the main one being that they’re so young. They always come on strong, then back off when you suggest meeting up. They can be incredibly flaky and constantly seek your approval. And they’re often unsure of what they want, hedging their bets in such a way that, if you’re not careful, can hurt.
I met my nemesis in the form of a 23-year-old estate agent called Charlie. He was gorgeous, and his attention was hugely flattering. He would text obsessively and constantly send e-mails. So when a few months into the relationship he started cancelling at the last minute and going Awol for several days at a time, I suspected that I might not be the only woman he was dating.
I set up a fake profile – not to entrap him, but just to see – and, sure enough, after a mere two days he made an approach. Then I noticed a post from another woman on the website’s forum, saying that she’d had a bad experience with one of the boys, and some of the details sounded familiar. I contacted her and discovered that, yes, it was Charlie. She had even confronted him, and he had gone demented, saying that lots of people were in touch with other people on the website. Which is fine, but he hadn’t been honest about it. I remember he had even said to me at dinner once: “Why would I need to be on that website now I’ve met you?”
In the end, I didn’t confront him myself, I just broke off contact. I simply sent him an e-mail saying he had been found out and then never heard from him again. I’m not naive, I do expect some fast and loose behaviour: at 23, you don’t really know what you want, and I’m sure I did the same at his age.
But they’re not all like that. Some of them are looking for mother figures: dependable women who aren’t flaky or airheaded like women of their own age. Boys in their twenties are, well, boys in their twenties. I don’t regret it, but I did give him one expensive present, which was foolish, and I wouldn’t do again. I’m more cautious now – but it hasn’t put me off.
Probably for all these reasons, my friends were sceptical at first. They presumed these boys would only be after money and/or sex and consequently mess me around. A lot of them also don’t understand what I see in a younger man. The other day, one of my friends asked me why I didn’t want a man to look up to. They can’t grasp the fact that I genuinely don’t need a male role model, and I don’t need anyone to provide for me, either.
As I explained to a friend who asked me when I was going to ditch this “whole silly game”: imagine you get to work on a Monday morning, and you have two e-mails in your inbox. One says: “Wow, you’re so hot, I can’t stop looking at your photo. I’ve never seen such a combination of sophistication and sex, blah, blah, blah.” And the other says: “Hi, I’m Jim. Divorced dad, three boys. Don’t see a lot of them, because my cow of an ex-wife refuses to let me have access, but, hey, I’m not bitter. Trying to rebuild my life and looking for someone to do it with.”
Which one would you go for?
Some names have been changed
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